Pieces of the Puzzle

Do you ever find yourself giving different versions of the truth to different people? I'm not talking about lying. I'm talking about guarding yourself. Everyone gets a portion of the puzzle that makes up me, but nobody has all of the pieces. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't advocate sharing everything with anyone off the street. But, what happens when there are pieces of the puzzle that you don't feel you can share with anyone? What happens when you have no one in your life that could not only understand, but that you can trust not to judge you; instead hearing your heart with humility? I guess you feel alone, and maybe unimportant.

The Waiting Game

Sometimes it's tough when you're in a period of waiting. My problem is that I've been in this same period for more than a year and a half. Every direction I turn there are a bunch of closed doors, but no open ones. People say that when God closes one door, he opens another. Well, I'm in a room full of doors and they all seem to be locked. I was on the path to doing what I wanted to do (or at least what I thought I wanted). I wouldn't have been unhappy working in that side of the business. But then one mistake and the whole thing came crashing down. I did a lot of thinking about that decision, and it felt like the right one. So why did the "right" decision seemingly lead to the end of my career before it really even began?

I had no prospects for months, and then because bills were too much, I had to leave and move back home. And here I am. I have no prospects, no direction, and God seems oddly quiet on the issue. Other Christians keep saying that I'm the weakest link here. Obviously if God's not saying anything, then it's really that he's already said something and I'm just missing it. Maybe that's true. I honestly can't seem to find what I could've missed. I was desperate for answers, so I was listening as hard as I could. Still am.

I'm just so sick of playing the waiting game. I have no other choice, though. Christians are supposed to be very helpful. I'm constantly hearing about this one helping that one. Yet nobody has offered to help me. Why am I so alone? Why am I ignored? Has God called on them to leave me be? I struggle for the answers to why I am in the place that I am. I have long accepted the idea that things happen for a reason, but how do you accept what you don't want if you don't know why you're being asked to accept it. I know, I'm supposed to have faith. I do to some degree. But after waiting and waiting, I feel like my patience is running thin. How did Moses wander the desert for 40 years? How was he able to do that on faith? I'm complaining about a pittance compared to that. And look at the life of Job. This only leads to guilt for feeling the way I'm feeling.

I keep hearing stories about people crying out to God and having things revealed to them. The things that they prayed for have come to them. I don't know that I've had a prayer answered. If I have, I don't remember it. Perhaps that's me having taken God for granted. But now I need God. I need the miraculous power of God to make something happen, to open the door of opportunity for me. I don't want to be here anymore. And I don't want to be alone.

Oh, help me Father God. I'm crying out to you.

What's this thingamajig all about?

I've grown tired of the facade that many Christians put up. They act like everything is alright, when they're really struggling inside. You see, many people believe that the way to win over non-believers is to paint the faith as something easy; all you have to is give your life over and everything is great. The unfortunate truth is that your problems don't just simply go away when you give your life over to Christ. The truth is revealed, but that doesn't make dealing with the truth necessarily any easier. We still go through many of the same struggles as everyone else. The difference is that we have some answers to our questions.

So what is this all about then?

I'm a growing Christian. Sometimes I feel lost. I want to show the world that life doesn't necessarily get easier once you become a Christian. I want to have a place where I can share the inner doubts and turmoil that I have, not only so that you, the readers, can share these experiences with me as I grow, but so that I can look back and see how far that I have come. Sometimes you just have to get something off your chest in the moment. And I want to share that with you because I want to paint and honest picture. Nobody is going to win any hearts by misleading anyone to believe life is easier than it is.

So here's the deal: You're going to have to bear with me; sometimes I may contradict myself when I've had a momentarily loss of faith, and sometimes I may sound a little whiney/complaining. It's all part of growth, I image.

Let's see where this goes.